I Didn’t Lie This Time! | Art Undone

Didnt Lie - Aug 1

Yes, this is the energy we are coming in with because it is the truth! I didn’t lie this time. I didn’t lie to myself or anyone else. I kept a promise and it feels really good to say that I actually did it! It feels even better when it feels like I’ve lied to myself for such a long time. Let me explain…

explain tv land GIF by YoungerTV

Ever since I graduated from college, I’ve had a plan. I was going to work for two years then go to graduate school, specifically at the University of Pennsylvania. It had been my dream school in undergrad, but afraid to transfer, I decided to defer the dream instead and attend for graduate school. I was going to go to an amazingly elite graduate program, for FREE. That was it. That was the entire plan. After that? Well, of course, get a good-paying job. Doing what exactly? Didn’t matter. I just needed to get into grad school and say it was all paid for.

So, what did I do to make this happen? Well, I took the GMAT twice and failed miserably twice. I then postponed taking the third test I bought THREE times before I finally got a “refund” after I realized it wasn’t going to happen.

sad doctor who GIF

Me to all my wasted money

Let me tell you, that was an anxiety-induced time in my life. I was telling all my friends how I was “studying” so hard for the GMAT to get into grad school, while privately having this internal battle inside that made me keep on saying myself “why?”. Why did I want to go to grad school? Why couldn’t I shut up about it? Why couldn’t I stop lying about really studying? Why couldn’t I focus?

over it no GIF by The Daily Show with Trevor Noah

With so many unanswered whys, came even more lies. So, why the hell was I lying so much about grad school? Well, honestly that shit sounded so good. It gave me the next step. It gave me a purpose, a pathway. It also gave me a great acting role. Acting you say? So, who was the audience? The audience was truly me. Every time I could convince someone to believe in my “dream”, I was one step closer to believing it myself. It was a great show, but afterwards, there wouldn’t be an applause because when the curtains closed, I had to face myself and the truth always comes out. I didn’t want grad school. I just liked the fake audience applause it generated. I didn’t want to really lie. I just appreciated the fact that people believed in me. So, yes, I did lie, but this time I didn’t, and it feels so good.

On July 17, 2018, walking down W Montrose street in Chicago to go to get breakfast at a bagel shop, I stopped to take a selfie to commemorate a promise I knew I would keep. That day I decided I was going to move to Chicago. It felt right. It felt like home. It felt like the truth. I didn’t know exactly when I would get there, but I knew that it would be. In some ways, I don’t know how it all happened, but I can say I didn’t lie. Two weeks short of a year from that day, I’m sitting in my bed, a street over from W Montrose, in Chicago with all my belongings, gladly able to say that I didn’t lie this time and I kept my promise. Oh, what a feeling this is.

IMG_20190713_175951_670

Signed,

Art Simply Undone.

Experience Needed.

Instagram Post – Experience Needed.

I’ve realized that no matter how much you practice scenarios in your mind and no matter how many books you read, it won’t mean crap unless you put it to the test. Woulda, Coulda & Shoulda doesn’t mean anything until you prove it. How do you prove your theories? Experience. You have to practice what you preach. You have to put it to the test. You can think you know what you are going to do and how you are going to react, but none of that matters until you actually put it to the test.

It’s like thinking you want to be a meteorologist but have never been in front of a green screen. You’ve read all the books on what it takes to be one and you feel like that’s what you want to do. You can see it. However, until you actually experience it and test it out, nothing is concrete. Why? FEELINGS. You can’t predict how you will feel about something until you actually experience it. That’s the only way to truly know if that’s really what you want. So you know what that means? You have to take risks. Risks you don’t normally take that may end in failure. You can only know if you will succeed or fail if you try. That’s it.

I’ve found myself in a predicament that I didn’t think I would be in. And it’s making me realize that what I thought I would do, I’m not. Why? FEELINGS! Since going through this process, I’ve realized I need to be more open to listening to my feelings as I’m going through new experiences that I’ve only played in my head. It’s not the same. Experience is needed to know how I feel about certain situations, as well as how I will react with new information. I can’t be so hard on myself for things I’ve never experienced before.

Signed,

ART Undone