Have you been ghosting yourself?

Art Undone - Ghosting

Note: This was written Pre-Rona, so, as always, take what you need and leave the rest. Take Care of you!


No matter how you feel about ghosting, I think we can all agree to be the person on the receiving end sucks. For those who may not be familiar, ghosting is when a person who has been in contact with another person on a rather consistent basis unexpectedly ceases all communications with that other person, essentially turning into a ‘ghost’. I’ll admit, I’ve been ghosted before by someone and it completely sucked. They were initiating all these future plans and emotions, just for them to go ghost for absolutely no reason. I was shook. I feel like I was even more in my feelings because Issa on Insecure was getting ghosted at the same time. It was too much. Basura.

Back to the point, many people have different definitions of ghosting, but I think the worst part may be the consistent communication with a lack of warning signs that shit is about to go left. Then the next thing you know, you’re at home blaming yourself for all these what-if situations that really had nothing to do with you. However, you’re still ghosted, alone, and trying to figure it all out.

Ghosting can happen in a plethora of situations. From recruiters ghosting you to friends, ghosting happens a lot. However, I don’t think we talk about it enough when we ghost ourselves. Ghost ourselves? Huh? Let me explain….

Just like a person may ghost you because something came up, an old flame popped up with the “wyd big head” text or maybe they just changed their minds about you. Harsh, but it happens. While I don’t feel like we admit it, we do the same thing to ourselves. How many times do we make plans with ourselves? How we’ll write more, take care of ourselves better, create peace within only for us to ghost ourselves because of life, or someone else popped-up. We’ll leave ourselves on ‘read’ for days, weeks, and even months to tend to everyone else and come back to ourselves like nothing happened and we didn’t break all our promises.

We tend not to look at it like this because it seems too harsh or restrictive of the fact that we’re living in an outside world and can’t just focus on ourselves. However, I think we tend to do ourselves a disservice by not acknowledging the relationship with ourselves is just as important, if not more important than any other relationship in our life. We have all this energy to be mad and frustrated with others when they don’t live up to our expectations, but we tend to forget about the commitments we’ve made to ourselves.

I want to be clear, this is not a green light to kick yourself over every missed gym appointment or every journal entry not written. Instead, just as we tend to ask in a relationship, I think it’s important to listen to yourself, your body, and your mind and find ways that allow you not to “ghost’ yourself in the midst of life. It’s okay to acknowledge that you know the next week will be crazy and you’ll have minimal time to fully address all your needs, however, don’t just ghost yourself for an extended amount of time. Be intentional, just as you would hope others would, with your time, expectations, and needs.

Yes, 9 times out of 10, when you return back to yourself, you’ll be there fully ready to accept any attention you can get. However, sometimes when you ghost yourself for such a long time, you forget who you are. You don’t remember who you are coming back to. You forget your needs, your wants. All those things you used to be in sync with that helps you get by, are faded memories. So, if you find yourself ghosting yourself, be intentional on ways to not lose yourself in this loud ass, crazy ass world because it’s so easy to do.

Signed,

Art Undone

The Plight of Positivity | Art Undone

Art Undone- The Plight of Positivity

I’ve always been known as a pretty positive person. I would say that I’ve always described myself as positive and optimistic. Always smiling and strong. Never letting anyone really see my sweat. It was never a role, it just felt like who I was. Little did I know a lot of the positivity was a survival tactic. You don’t have time to be a Debbie downer or sad when shit has to be done. You just have to figure it out and keep it moving. However, as I always say, life has a way of life-ing, and I found myself questioning positive thinking and if it was all a lie.

I got sick. I thought I was going to die. I was ready to give up. I was actually planning how people would find me. Dark, right? Yeah, I know. I couldn’t believe this was me myself. I was so defeated and the only positive I saw was waking up the next morning. Now, no need to worry, I wasn’t actually dying, it just felt like it. I was taking some information my body gave to me and amplified it times 1000 in my mind. It was bad and I didn’t know how to get out of it.

What was even more frustrating to me is that I felt like this wasn’t me. I wasn’t a negative Nancy. I was a positive sunflower so who the hell was this girl preparing for her death? In the words of the undeniably talented icon, Mariah Carey, “I didn’t know her”. All I knew was I didn’t like who I was and all I wanted to do was get back to positive rainbows and sunrays because this was for the birds.

So, positivity is great right? Of course, but not when it’s a shield to protect you from your real feelings. When I got sick, all I could do was deal with all those thoughts I had been suppressing for years. I felt so defeated. There was only the end and I just wanted to be prepared for the worst instead of ever thinking there could be a happy ending. I went in the complete opposite direction.

I hated the fact that this version of me existed. She wasn’t supposed to be like this. I felt like a complete fraud. Was being positive a scam? Was I a scam? I was going through it.

So, what happened next? I went to therapy because what else could I do? I needed help and I couldn’t figure it out alone.

After many sessions and much-needed help, I realized that me in my raw, negative form was just as much a part of me as a person as the positive version of myself. It didn’t mean I had to like it, it just meant I had to acknowledge it. Once I was able to acknowledge that version of myself, I was able to work on her. It didn’t mean she would ever go completely away, but I could work with her better.

The plight of positivity is the dismissal of everything else that doesn’t fit into that category. It can be just as lethal as the plight of negativity. I had to disconnect from my ultra-positive social media followers and holistically accept myself for who I was at that moment. It wasn’t easy but worth it. I’m still working on all of this, but I wanted to share my current relationship with positivity and myself. Here are a few takeaways as well:

  • You should strive to find a silver lining when it’s available but know that when you dismiss all things negative just to get there, those same things have a way of coming back around in the worst way.
  • It’s okay to feel negative feelings and let them out. It’s okay to not always be positive. That doesn’t make you less strong. It’s commendable to acknowledge all your thoughts and place them as you need in order to be okay.
  • Sometimes in order to survive, we do what will get us through the best. That may mean ignoring every bad thing in your life and only focusing on the positives. Just know that you shouldn’t always be in a flight or fight mode.
  • You must be willing to accept yourself for exactly who you are in order to start changing in any way you deem necessary. Just because you don’t like a certain part of yourself, doesn’t mean it’s not you. You can always learn to manage or fix it as much as you can but be willing to accept yourself as you are and that will make the work a lot easier.
  • Always, always give yourself room to breathe. Any internal work you do is not going to be easy. You’re putting yourself to a test of exposing the true you. It’s okay to just be as much as it is to grind towards your internal goals.
  • There’s always work to be done, so it’s also okay to be content in being undone.

Signed,

Art stay Undone.