Yes, this is the energy we are coming in with because it is the truth! I didn’t lie this time. I didn’t lie to myself or anyone else. I kept a promise and it feels really good to say that I actually did it! It feels even better when it feels like I’ve lied to myself for such a long time. Let me explain…
Ever since I graduated from college, I’ve had a plan. I was going to work for two years then go to graduate school, specifically at the University of Pennsylvania. It had been my dream school in undergrad, but afraid to transfer, I decided to defer the dream instead and attend for graduate school. I was going to go to an amazingly elite graduate program, for FREE. That was it. That was the entire plan. After that? Well, of course, get a good-paying job. Doing what exactly? Didn’t matter. I just needed to get into grad school and say it was all paid for.
So, what did I do to make this happen? Well, I took the GMAT twice and failed miserably twice. I then postponed taking the third test I bought THREE times before I finally got a “refund” after I realized it wasn’t going to happen.
Let me tell you, that was an anxiety-induced time in my life. I was telling all my friends how I was “studying” so hard for the GMAT to get into grad school, while privately having this internal battle inside that made me keep on saying myself “why?”. Why did I want to go to grad school? Why couldn’t I shut up about it? Why couldn’t I stop lying about really studying? Why couldn’t I focus?
With so many unanswered whys, came even more lies. So, why the hell was I lying so much about grad school? Well, honestly that shit sounded so good. It gave me the next step. It gave me a purpose, a pathway. It also gave me a great acting role. Acting you say? So, who was the audience? The audience was truly me. Every time I could convince someone to believe in my “dream”, I was one step closer to believing it myself. It was a great show, but afterwards, there wouldn’t be an applause because when the curtains closed, I had to face myself and the truth always comes out. I didn’t want grad school. I just liked the fake audience applause it generated. I didn’t want to really lie. I just appreciated the fact that people believed in me. So, yes, I did lie, but this time I didn’t, and it feels so good.
On July 17, 2018, walking down W Montrose street in Chicago to go to get breakfast at a bagel shop, I stopped to take a selfie to commemorate a promise I knew I would keep. That day I decided I was going to move to Chicago. It felt right. It felt like home. It felt like the truth. I didn’t know exactly when I would get there, but I knew that it would be. In some ways, I don’t know how it all happened, but I can say I didn’t lie. Two weeks short of a year from that day, I’m sitting in my bed, a street over from W Montrose, in Chicago with all my belongings, gladly able to say that I didn’t lie this time and I kept my promise. Oh, what a feeling this is.
Art Simply Undone.