Undone

Undone. We are all undone to a certain extent. Some hide it better than others, but this isn’t about hiding. Here you will find more personal content in the form of random thoughts, poems, rants and unsolicited life lessons in various forms. 


Deciding to categorize all your decisions as merely surviving undermines the active decisions you make to thrive and not just survive. Acknowledge your intentional growth.


Take What You Need And Leave The Rest

Just like I take off the onions from a delicious hamburger, I make sure to take off any crappy advice from someone and get to the meat of it.


How can I be creative, if I don’t spend time with the creator? How can I know what I think, if I don’t think? How can I know I’m okay if I don’t ask? How? It’s simple. I don’t. How can I process if I don’t sit down and actually process? Processing is intentional. If you don’t take the time to unpack, all that baggage will be right there when you get back, except this time you won’t remember all the outfits you brought on the trip. You’ll forget why you needed to bring an extra swimsuit because you were going to be gone for a week. You’ll forget some important shit because you never took the time to unpack. Unpack Your Shit, when you’re able. It’ll be worth it.


Sometimes the stairs to your goal will be so hard, they will make you forget the accomplishment of actually making it. Don’t allow the journey to overshadow the accomplishment of getting where you want to be. F*ck them Stairs.


Creativity is interesting. When you are on roll, it feels amazing. But, when you can’t create or are not able to create in the capacity you are used to, it completely takes you for a loop. It makes you feel like you aren’t who you say you are because you’re not creating. How can you be a creator when you can’t create? It’s like you’re an imposter. A horrible feeling. But what if we found that your creativity never left, it just does not operate in the way you are used to.

What the hell does that mean? It means that your creativity is complex. It comes in different shapes and forms. The creativity is there, it may not just be there in the way you are used to seeing it. I’m used to writing, designing, painting, and podcasting. Writing helps me figure out my feelings. Designing helps me channel my excitement. Painting makes me feel free. Podcasting helps me find my voice. Creating helps me get closer to who I am. However, those four things are all of who I am. I am more than that. The question I’m currently asking myself is who am I when I’m not doing those four things in the creative realm. Who am I when I don’t feel anything? What am I when I don’t feel anything? How do I find that? How do I find me in these scenarios? I don’t know. I don’t know and it’s fucking me up.

That’s what I’m currently navigating. When I feel nothing, what does my creative self look like? How do I appreciate that part of me? What outlet will fuel that part of me? I don’t have the answers to that question, but I’m very interested in finding them out. I feel like I’m cutting off an important part of me by not navigating my creativity when it doesn’t look like I want it to. I feel like there is more to my creative story and I’m almost shortchanging myself and her when I decide to put her away only on bright/special occasions.

So, yeah, I’m really still figuring this shit out. I need to let my creativity breathe. I need to get it together and I plan on doing that. How? I don’t fucking know, but I plan on figuring it out, relearning, and figuring it out again.


We Don’t Take Coupons. Sorry, Not Sorry.

I’ve consistently learned that people will ALWAYS ask for a discount or coupon if you let them. There’s no shame in it. It makes perfect sense for people to get the best deal they can while receiving the most value. Why do you think stores are crazy on Black Friday and the day after Christmas? People want sales! People want nice things for cheap prices. Duh!

So, what makes us think people are any different when it comes to professional and personal relationships? Why would I work overtime in a relationship when a regular 9-5 generates the same results? It doesn’t make sense to do more than what’s required…. Unless you’re one of those people who just do it for the heck of it. Yes, there are people like that. But, back to those damn coupon shoppers. Remedy the reason someone would work harder at a job if they knew no promotion or raise was in sight? If it isn’t survival of the fittest, I see no point. Let me explain….

If people are always asking for you for coupons on your value, just for you to still operate the same, you have to make a decision to either take those coupons or not. I don’t see Louis Vuitton having a BOGO sale, so why should you? We tend to cut ourselves short because of the fear that people will think our price is too high. That price can be in the form of energy, money or requirements. However, if we never offered coupons in the first place, our value would never be up for debate. Whether professional or personal, never allow someone to discount your worth, solely for their own benefit.


I’m okay with figuring out situations, learning from my mistakes, and growing. I’m not okay with not liking myself in the process. I don’t like that at all.


Confidence isn’t linear.
I feel ugly sometimes and that’s okay.


Sometime in September 2019

I go through a lot of shit. A lot. I go through a lot of shit and STILL find the energy and time to make some decisions for myself in order to break some generational curses. That’s hard asf to not stay stagnant and chose me in these difficult times. To keep on pushing and not just give-in and go back to my comfort zone. It’s so hard to make the decisions to keep on going and strive for more. It’s so hard to be forward-thinking when everything around me is telling me to be in the moment and focus on everyone else. It’s hard asf to choose me while also being present and available for the ones I love as well. This shit ain’t fucking easy. It’s hard. It’s hard and I still make it work. I don’t cower. I’m doing this shit and it’s not easy. Not everyone can do it. I can’t believe I’m doing it. F*ck what anybody else thinks. I’m making some of the hardest decisions in my life by myself and I’m doing a damn good job dammit.

Do you know how hard it is to do more than the bare minimum in the middle of the storm? It’s so f*cking hard.


Failure.

Failure. failure is something no one likes. But, what happens when you’re no longer afraid to fail? What happens when you realize that the only real failure is refusing to learn something new? What happens when you know you can’t fail because you found success in just completing something? What happens when the response doesn’t matter and the applause isn’t needed to know that you have reached success?

I pushed myself to do something I’ve never done before and guess what? For once in my life, I knew I couldn’t fail. I knew that as long as I had my vision, I was going to make it come to life and I was going to win. How? Because I knew the only failure I could have is not trying and that was not an option. It made me think different. All I was looking for was ways to improve. If something didn’t work, I just thought of a new way to get my message across and took nothing personal.

If I happened to “fail”, I would only fail forward and that was progress in itself.


Hard Feelings.

The hardest thing I’m learning myself to do is go through the motions and allow myself to feel any thoughts or feelings that I may have. Instead of dismissing them, I allow myself to feel. It’s hard. I’m used to pushing everything to the back of my head and hoping to forget it. However, now I’m doing the opposite. It’s not torturing myself, it’s allowing myself to just get all those feelings out so that I may move fully forward. To actually process instead of putting yet another suitcase in my brain and never unpacking. I’m unpacking and then moving forward. Even if there are some remnants left over, it’s nothing like it would be if I never took the time to unpack initially. Growing up. I guess I’m growing up.


Sometime in May 2019

Coming into 2019, I decided that life was a little too unpredictable to think that I could prepare for everything that would come my way. I was expecting the unexpected with great expectations that I would figure it out along the way. I had/have a lot of clear visions of what I wanted, but considering my 2018, I knew that I couldn’t expect to be prepared for every single thing that would come my way. Life would find its way to life, as always. And oh did life do just that.

While I feel like I’ve had anxiety for a while now, everything went into overdrive. From daily thoughts of thinking I was just going to die at any moment to multiple emergencies visits (let’s not even talk about the bills that accompanied those), I was going through it. Let me correct myself, I’m still kind of going through it. I do think things have gotten a little easier to manage now that I have some answers. So, yeah, the beginning of 2019 took my whole “expect the unexpected” into overdrive. To the point that the visions I had for a lot of things I wanted to accomplish had to either happen off of pure faith or sit on the sideline because I haven’t been capable to do much other than just being “here” and work on just “being”. It’s been quite crazy.

The good news is that I’m still here and while me and anxiety fight on almost a constant basis, I’m learning how to manage. From creating stronger boundaries to seeing a therapist, I’m getting used to this new normal. I’m realizing that somethings won’t be the same, but what this time has shown me is that when you have a change in mentality, nothing can stop you. It’s a beautiful thing that I’m so grateful for.

There’s something powerful when you experience an internal shift and zero in on the goals you have. No matter what obstacles come in your way, you know in your hearts of hearts you will get where you’re trying to go. One example of that happening to me was my relationship with the gym. I was going almost every other day and then one day I did an exercise that triggered something from a previous incident and everything went to shit. I was so upset because while I wanted to get better, I really just wanted to go back to the gym. However, I wasn’t able to go back and when I was able to go back, I couldn’t just jump back into it. And I had to be okay with that.

There’s a time to push and there’s a time to be quiet. Can’t even lie, when I’m in a time of quiet I too question my worth because I’m not doing anything. I forget that surviving and deciding to be quiet IS doing something. It’s doing what you can when you can. Also, sometimes, you actually need to stop pushing because you could be pushing your blessings out the way. You can’t look at the small blessings when you’re pushing past them to get to the big stuff. So, yeah. It’s been quiet but it’s actually been a beautiful time because I feel like, in this time of quiet, I’ve learned a lot about myself and gained a lot of tools that will allow me to push when it’s time.


The Dream

I’ve had some interesting dreams in my lifetime, but never one like this. A clear, vivid dream that was a complete playbook of what I need to do in the future. Stay Tuned.


Volunteering

When have you voluntarily put your heart on the line? When have you put it all on the line and allowed yourself to be on the edge and do it anyway? When have you had enough guts to try even when you know you may fail? When have you given something everything you had. When it was out of the safe zone and either you win or lose. It’s a no holds bar and that’s all you got at that moment for what you want. When have you unabashedly given something you wanted all you got? Do you even know what it feels like to voluntarily give something everything you’ve got with no backup plans, contingency plans or other options? Do you know how that feels? I don’t know if I know what that feels like now or anymore… I don’t know if I ever decided not to play it so safe…. Because what you really want may make you uncomfortable, but it will make you feel… It will make you ignite some feeling that you haven’t felt before. Life tends to plateau and you don’t know or can’t remember that last time you did something that scares you and excites you at the same time. Watching Ru Paul’s drag race this queen was crying and said at least I tried for something I really wanted… I can’t remember the last time I went full force and did just that…Doing something that makes me feel… Something that I truly want and going for it with all I’ve got… What does that feel like? I need to know what that feels like… even if it breaks my heart a few times.


Unexpected.

The unexpected. I’m experiencing the unexpected and it’s a lot. It’s a lot to be in your room alone thinking about what if something happens to me, how will I get help in time. How will people know? It’s a lot. It’s the things people don’t talk about when they’re alone. I’m not sure if I’m to the point where I want to live completely alone yet. I don’t know people this isn’t fun. This is quite scary actually. I’m lucky to have family and friends but I’m still freaked out to a certain extent. This year has been a lot of the unexpected and I’m learning how to deal with it. One day at a time… One minute at a time…. One breath at a time. I’m just breathing.


I was going to go to sleep early tonight until a friend called and reminded me that I’m not regular. I need to accept that I have a voice. No matter how it is packaged or how I may try to neglect it, I have a voice and someone out there is waiting for me to speak the words they needed to hear. This isn’t the first time I’ve heard this, but this will be the first time I fully listen. I have a voice and I’m going to use it. So, thanks to friends for reminding me that I’m not normal. That I’m special and my gift isn’t tangible, it comes from within. The energy. The feeling. The ART. I’ve got it and I’m going to use it.


I have a voice and I’m going to use it.

It’s okay to go back to the drawing board as many times as you need.

I don’t have the time or capacity to feel hopelessness. I’m going to have to make whatever I have work. I have to for me.

Just because you want something doesn’t mean you need it. It’s a want, a bonus, an extra side. It’s not what you’re missing, it’s just what you would also like to have.

I’m not in the business of forcing anything in life. If it works out, it does. If it doesn’t, okay. I don’t want anything in life that’s not mines, that includes experiences as well.


Whatever Happens…

When we say, whatever happens, happens, we forget that also means that sometimes nothing happens. We have to be okay with that outcome as well.

Life is about taking chances. If you never take them, you don’t ever plan on living.

Knowing that you can fail and still doing it is one of the most courageous things you can do.


Giving Up

Giving up on something is hard. Completely giving up on it. No contingency plans, just being completely free. It’s scary asf. All strings will be cut and there won’t be any reasons to go back unless you absolutely want to. It’s a very definite decision. One that has to be made to fully move forward.


Feeling

Let yourself feel emotions, even if it may break your heart. Why? Because you only live once and if you never allow yourself to really feel anything, have you really lived? Every decision in life is not going to be a calculated decision. Sometimes you just have to see where shit goes and be okay with it. You can’t always live life in a box. It’s not really living, it’s simply maintaining. I’m learning to let myself feel all the emotions, then come to a conclusion about my future decisions. And sometimes, some decisions are just worth the experience. It’s life.


Dreams & Nightmares

I had a horrible dream where I did everything that I thought I would never do. The dream made me feel weak. I had to remember it was a dream. I also had to feel the dream to use it as a reminder that I will not allow myself to go through that in real life. The lesson is what I decide the lesson is. It’s clear, I’m not as strong as I thought I was in a certain area, but I refuse to allow myself to feel like I felt in that dream. It wasn’t a nightmare, it was a courteous call from my heart and mind. It said this wasn’t real, we don’t want it to be real, so take heed and notice the signs. I once hated the dream and now I appreciate the dream for allowing me to see just what I don’t need.


Listen,

Life is too crazy for you not to know how to make yourself happy. I’ve been going through a really crazy month. It’s brought quite a few situations that I didn’t expect I would have to deal with anytime soon and it was stressful. Me, being me, when I’m going through stuff, no one usually knows except one or two people outside of my family. I’m more of a ‘I’m lost and I’ll find my way out of it then maybe tell you about it’ than a ‘yelling in the middle of the woods for help’ type of person. Anywho, point is, this month has been crazy & you know what has helped me though? Me. I’m not saying this as a ‘I’m independent and ain’t nobody got me but me’ person, because that’s a lie. I have a great support system. But, this month, I’ve found that I was able to navigate this craziness a little better because I understand myself and my needs more. I like to be happy. I know that. I live that. Some people like to be neutral, but I need some sprinkle of smiles and laughs in my life to keep me going. Knowing little things that bring me joy has truly saved me. Also knowing when I’m ready to really feel and when I need to disconnect. It’s me listening to me… listening to my needs and fulfilling them when possible.  It’s about taking off some expectations I have of myself and operating at a level that doesn’t overwhelm me when necessary.  It’s about listening to myself and figuring it out. That’s what has gotten me through and for that, I’m thankful.
So, listen to yourself. The answers will come.


I’m not there yet.

I have some things I want to accomplish. Somethings that scare the crap out of me. The truth of the matter is that I’m not there yet though. I’m not prepared to even step into that destiny yet. I don’t want to step into that destiny right now. I’m not there yet. I know what I want, but I’m not willing to do what it takes to get there… yet. I’m working on it. I’m working on me and prepping myself. I’m not there yet because I still have somethings to figure out. I need to be honest with myself. I need to be transparent. I don’t know if I want what everyone wants. I have to find out what I want for myself and what that means.


Decide What You Get Out the Deal

So many times, when something happens, we automatically assign the obvious ‘lesson’ to the story without much thought. Have you ever thought about what would happen if instead we paused when something happened to us and took the time to see what under arching lesson we could learn from a situation that might be the real gem? For instance, say you have a dream that you had sex with your ex. A very vivid dream. The first thing that will probably pop into your head when you wake up is that you want to have sex with your ex. If you look deeper, it may that you do want to have sex, but your ex is only in the scenario because he or she was your last point of reference. It has absolutely nothing to do with him or her, they were just used as props. Now you feel better knowing you aren’t stepping back into old territories. Now, you are taking control of the narrative and now you’re in control of your thoughts.


Conclusions

I love conclusions, they make me believe I have found a solution. However, I realized on the journey of self-discovery that as long as you’re living, a conclusion sometimes comes with a few ellipses. Once you think you had it all figured out, then bam, you get a tad bit more information and you’re sucked back into the thinking and hypothesis stage of a situation. The shit can really take you for a rollercoaster ride. Well, this blog is no different. I’m learning that I have to be okay with somethings being ellipses, while still not backtracking on conclusive actions. I don’t mind letting my mind wander, but I don’t plan on going back to where I once was. Does that make sense? Understanding that our brain rarely concludes something while our body may be already three steps ahead. Not letting our afterthoughts dictate our actions. Life is crazy and unpredictable so control what you can and flow with the rest…


Answers

What I don’t have is all the answers. I’m trying something new. I’m allowing myself to be. Be free to write. Be free to think. Be free and whatever that means to me at this time in my life. ART Undone has been a work in progress. It’s hard to hold others up while I seem to be pulling myself down. What was once therapy seems to be an added pressure. So instead, I’m letting myself be free and write naturally. Without a certain tactic or plan, I just want to write for the reason why I started in the first place, freedom. Freedom and space to figure it out without the constraints of having all the answers. Sometimes, it’s the freedom in thought that allows you to eventually move forward. Explore all options and make the best decision you can with no regret. It’s not always easy, but damn sure always worth it.


Balance

You can have balance for a long period of time then get a little shook and forget about the calmness… don’t forget you once were stable. Life is a rollercoaster so the best thing you can do is buckle up and enjoy the ride.

It’s crazy how much little sayings actually make so much sense nowadays…


Rollercoaster….
Anticipation of getting on
Anxiousness of the drop coming up
Enjoying the ride down or terrified
Looking for relief in the more calm parts
Getting flipped upside down without warning
Unable to fully gain composure if you aren’t prepared
Holding on for dear life.
Relieved when you get a break.
Even getting the umphf to get on the ride in the first place.


Benched

Everybody talks about how they’re in the game, but the players on the bench still get a ring too. Point is, just because I’m not in the game, doesn’t mean I’m out of the game. I’m not in the locker room, I’m just observing until I’m ready to play. I’m watching what’s being done, knowing I’m not ready yet, but my time is coming. It’ll be unexpected and sudden, but when the time comes, I’ll answer the call.


I’m Vanilla ASF.

As I’m turning off the game because more than likely my team is going to lose to switch to a rom-com that’s a little easier on the heart, I realize I’m vanilla asf. Vanilla. Not as in white of course, but plain. I like to keep things light… not too spicy, not too sweet, just vanilla. Every now and then I like to add in some flavor, but regarding the way I live my life, it’s pretty vanilla. I don’t take many risks.  I don’t play with my heart much when it comes to making hard ass decisions. I stay within the realm of things I know I can accomplish. I’m honestly vanilla asf! What the hell! I always seen myself as someone who is a leader, innovator and game changer, but I’m not. I’m vanilla asf.

Not anymore. No more vanilla, I want some flavor dammit!

This is the year. The year of Yes. The year of Flavor. The year I stop being Vanilla ASF.


I don’t like every picture I take. I don’t look good in every outfit I try on. I also don’t always feel like my prettiest. However, what I do do is wake up every morning and smile in the mirror at my reflection. I find my best angle. I find my best light. I continually and consistently work on living my best life.


This past week I’ve been lost. I started off 2018 very strong. In a lot of ways, I’ve continued to be strong, but this past week as just not been the best. You ever lay in your bed, thinking about all the stuff you want to accomplish, but your body just won’t allow you to do anything? You feel that you can’t give 100%, so instead, you give nothing. You just wallow in your misery? Well, that has been me this past week and it’s the worst feeling ever. I’ve been trying to get the answers to why I’ve been like this, but I kind of feel like that is just another reason to wallow and wait.

I just want to do better, but I feel like I’m holding myself back from doing just that. How do you fix that? How do you make it stop?


I love you.
I love you when you fail.
I love you when you excel.
I love you when you cry.
I love you when you pry.
I love you regardless.
I love you without ends.
I love you from all I have within.


I’m so good at hiding stuff, it scares me. The ability to bury feelings and emotions so deep, I lose it from myself. I hide my feelings from myself. I’m a fucking magician. Disappearing acts are my specialty. Disregarding my truth to hide it from you. Not to spare your feelings, but my own. I’m strong to a fault. It may be my own fault, but who do I tell? No one seems right. No one seems like me. I can tell myself and not worry about the side effects. I can bear my lows and probably yours too. I’m too good at hiding things. I’m lost inside of myself. I want to feel, but don’t know how. I’m so used to be strong that anything else seems weak.


Joy is my drug of choice.
I’ll gladly overdose.


I’m feeling a little inadequate today.
I have a long way to go and I don’t know if I’m ready.
I need to reset, rejuvenate, re-center and restart.
It’s okay to not have it together as long as you realize that you need to get it together.


I’m starting to feel the weight of it all.
I know that I can carry it.
I know that I will make it through.
It’s just getting through this rain that seems a little difficult.


I’m so blessed to be loved.
I’m so loved to be blessed.
To love and be loved.
To love and give love.
Joy fills my heart.
My heart feels joy.


It’s okay to cry.
It’s okay to sit in a dark room and let yourself feel every emotion possible.
It’s okay to not be okay.
It’s okay to release everything that is built up and do it again.
It’s okay to cry and then need to cry some more.
You don’t have to have all the answers.
You don’t have to apologize for needing time to figure it out.
You aren’t weak because you feel.
You’re strong because you let it out.


My mind is a wonderland

My mind is a wonderland.
It wonders and wonders to find some gems to share.
Most of my thoughts, you’ll never know.
I’ll drop off some trails of existence here and there,
But most of this wonderland is for my enjoyment only.
I’m in my head a lot, but that makes me happy.
It’s a wonderland of twists and turns.
It’s my wonderland.
It has an amazing playlist as well.
I’m in my wonderland and I’m amazed at myself.
I hope to share this with someone one day, but not today.
Not tomorrow or the next, I’m enjoying my wonderland without the ratings.
Maybe one day I’ll let you come and play.


Music.

Music
Music is what keeps me going.
When I’m sad, happy, complacent, it’s music.
It’s always music.
It’s not noise, it’s confirmation, admiration, and consultation.
It’s everything.
Music that makes you feel something you’ve never felt before.
It’s always music. It will always be music.


Undeniable

You need to know that you are undeniable.
You need to know that you are amazing.
You need to know that you are worth it.
Look in the mirror.
Look in the mirror and focus on all the amazing things in front of you.
Hit that pose that accentuates your body in just the right way.
Turn on some music that moves you.
Dance, dance and feel like you are everything and more.
Because you are. You are beautiful. You are undeniable.
You are amazing. You are breathtaking.
You are the epitome of everything that makes you smile.
So look in that mirror. Stay in that mirror and when you leave, remember that mirror.
Because that reflection you see is all you will ever need.


You don’t always have to have an opinion.
In a world full of a’s & b’s, you can just think.
Think without the need for a definite solution.
Having a definite solution pigeon-holes you into a corner.
Usually, that hinders you from looking from other perspectives.
You don’t have to make up your mind.
You can just freely think.
Don’t fall into that pressure, it’s harmful.
You’re free to just be without an ‘a’ or ‘b’.


I’m so happy I found you

I’m so happy I found you.
I’m so happy I unraveled and let you loose.
I’m so happy that I became undone and you came to exist.
You were always important to me, just when I needed to release.
I never realized that if I never left you, there would be no need.
I stopped hiding and suppressing you and let you bleed.
Every word, every sentence released a string that pulled at my mind.
My heart longed to let you out, but it put me too behind.
Not knowing that the power in your words would allow my growth.
The power in your diction didn’t create fiction, but a story unwritten.
A story that needed to be told. A story that released everything I wanted to hold.
It catapulted me into becoming a little less undone.
It made me wish I would’ve never fought a war that was already won.


I found out you wrote poems too

I found out you wrote poems too.
I found out that was how you get through.
You wrote poems on your heart, forever engraved.
You wrote poems on your heart, leaving a permanent stain.
I found out you wrote poems too and I loved you even more.


I love you, but I’m hanging up now.

Love. The idea of love in itself can be overpowering. The idea of giving, giving, giving and hopefully being reciprocated can frighten some and entice others. You tend to feel that you always have to be there. You always have to give your all. You always need to let them know that they are loved. However, I have a question for you. Do you love yourself the same way?


Happiness.

Happiness is not defined by having a perfect life.
Happiness is about being satisfied with what you have,
while still having the courage to reach for more.


Lean Not On Your Own Independence…*Conditions Apply

Don’t mix independence with ignorance.
No one makes it on their own.
Embrace your relationships, including the one with yourself.


It was genuine.
It was real.
However, lies make sleep come easier.


Need.

To a certain extent, we are all afraid of being alone.
Even the most confident.
The seat on the plane gets quiet. The room darkens.
The bed feels bigger than usual and silence is deafening.
We all need somebody. A body. Something.
The book eventually ends. The screen eventually dies.
Quiet starts to surround us. The ideas begin to dwindle.
We never want to be alone all the time. Even the quietest.
We are all afraid of sounding desperate, not knowing desperation
Can induce courage. We are just trying to find our persons.
Our person that makes us feel alive. Our person that makes us thrive.
It’s not weak to not want to be alone. It is human. Everybody needs somebody.